Friday, April 25, 2008

Long time..

I didn't realize it's been so long since I've written anything. So much has happened. I'm gonna start with today and maybe work my way backwards. Depends on how I feel after getting everything from today out.

Every Friday I have to go to Chantel's school and attend family therapy sessions. Sometimes she's there, sometimes she's not. Today she wasn't. Her teacher came in for a little bit in the beginning to have me sign papers for her IEP.

After she left, the therapist and I started talking about how to handle her picking. How to get her to open up about what she's experiencing while she's actually doing it. He wants me to ask her what she's feeling right at that moment(this is assuming I catch her). What is her body experiencing. What is she thinking about right then. He wants me to not use phrases like "I know how you feel", "Let's just get you cleaned up and out of here". Those types of things. Even though the first one is sympathetic, he said she needs to understand that we want her to talk to about what is happening. To try and get her to use her words. Which led into him reminding me that this will probably bring up a lot of stuff for me.

I told him just sitting in his office talking about it was bringing feelings up. Guilt being the first. Fear, of what I still don't know. Anger at myself for not being able to help her or protect her(depending on what she says is making her pick at that moment). And then all my own stuff that I've done a lot of work on, but maybe not all.

We talked about teaching her to be kind to herself and how I can model that. Hearing him say that broke me down. I don't know why it triggered me, but it did. It was probably just the last piece that I could take in. The subject turned from helping her into helping me heal at the same time. It also made me really stop and think about why I'm so scared to lose weight and have men find me attractive. I had in the session said "If I start losing weight, people might find me attractive again." Her therapist stopped me and said "Catrina, you mean men, don't you?"

It scares the piss out of me. It makes me want to go and curl up in a ball and hide in corner. I want to throw up. I've been hurt by every guy who has ever been in my life, starting with my dad. Being thinner means being vulnerable to being hurt again. Being rejected. Never knowing why I'm not good enough.

Logically, I know it's better for me to lose the weight. Emotionally though, it kills me. At least being fat, I can blame it on that as to why guys don't like me. I don't even have to worry about the approaching me. I can "hide" inthe world behind it.

It almost feels like by getting healthier, I'm exposing my soul. The part of me that is still very fragile.

How does all of this relate to helping Chantel work through what's going on in her mind when she's picking? The only times she picks is when she thinks of her dad. the last male person to hurt or betray me and her. The one who took what I had to offer and ripped it to shreds. The one that I thought I had worked through all my emotions about. They're not so raw, but there are other emotions and evets buried behind those ones. They're the ones that are trying to creep out. Hell, stampede out. They're the ones that scare me. That keep coming up and keeping me down. Helping her wille like reopening an old war wound and digging in it.

So, now I'm not only helping her, I'm dealing with my own stuff all over again.

Yeah me.