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Friday, May 9, 2008

Another AHA moment

Lately I've been working really hard on eating better, getting more physically active and trying to be healthier. It's working and I've lost 6lbs, 4" around my waist, 1" around my neck and 1" around my chest.

Today while I was writing an email to my buddy on sparkpeople.com I had a moment of insight. I was telling her about how I've always tried to fight what my body is telling me. Almost as if my body is a seperate being.

Then it struck me. That's exactly how I've always felt. Like my mind and my body are two seperate parts of me. Not the two combined who make me what I am, but two totally different beings. I take care of my mind and my emotions as much as possible, but I don't take care of my body. My body is my enemy, my mind has always been my saving grace. Even as a child, it was safer to retreat inside my head than to stay connected to my body. My body was used to betray me, my mind kept me safe.

Now I need to start working on looking at the two as a complete package. Not quite sure how I'm gonna do that, but I'll figure something out. Maybe it's time to start seeing a therapist again. To help walk me through the reconnection process. 'Cause I'm tired of not feeling whole, and I think I've finally figured out why I've always felt so empty.

So how do I reconnect the two? How do I reintroduce them to each other? I don't think I've ever seen myself as my mind and my body so this will be interesting to say the least. Will they even like each other? That sounds funny, but it's kind of how I feel.

My daughter's therapist suggested to me today to start journaling again. He was talking more about journaling what I'm feeling when I'm dealing with her, but I think it will help me through this. Writing with a pen and paper has always been very therapuetic for me. Sometimes a little intense, but I think I can handle that. I'm gonna have to if I want to be a complete person and not two lost halves.